5 Important Things I Learned in My 40s

A Decade of Change

I saw in my forties, heavily pregnant with my third child, a little boy. A few months later our family of five moved to a large Edwardian property in Sussex. It was a beautiful home with so much potential but my happiness and promise for the future living there was short lived.

On the weekend of my 42nd birthday, my marriage sadly ended and suddenly I was thrust into uncharted waters with a broken heart and three small children under my wing, depending on me. I grieved not just the loss of my own marriage but the loss of the family unit that I’d always wanted.

This is where for me the journey really began. The journey of personal development, that was to bring me to where I am today.

When I turned 40, little did I know that this was to become my most emotionally challenging and yet most exciting decade of my life so far. Finding myself a single parent to three young children under 8 was never the plan.

However, sometimes change is forced on us in a way that shakes the foundations and beliefs of everything we’ve ever known.

It gives us two choices. To continue the rest of our lives holding onto resentment and bitterness, or to rise up every day despite the pain and exhaustion until we reach a place of love for ourselves, along with forgiveness and acceptance for the situation.

This was me, in the early days of my ‘new life’. I made a choice that the most important thing I could be was a positive role model to my children.

Everything that drove me was built on this value. It was challenging emotional terrain to navigate but I found that if you arm yourself with a mental compass, a map of where you’re going and a mirror to look in and remind yourself of the person you want to be, you’ll get there in the end.

Which brings me to today. 50 years young. Here’s what I learned about life in my 40s…

5 Important Things I Learned in My 40s

1. Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. One of the biggest achievements of my forties was learning how to forgive. I never really understood in the past how people could forgive someone that had hurt them or their family. However, when I read the book ‘Letting Go, The Pathway to Surrender’ by Dr David R Hawkins it completely changed my perspective.

It made me understand that forgiveness is an act of love towards yourself and is not about condoning the behaviour of others. By surrendering and letting go, we free ourselves of the toxic, negative emotions that keep us from living our best life.

More important still, is to forgive ourselves. Forgive ourselves for our mistakes, our errors in judgement or for the hurt we may have caused someone. Holding onto guilt does not serve us. It simply enslaves us. When we forgive we can also learn from these experiences and move forward with clarity about what we really want.

2. The most important relationship we will ever have is the one we have with ourselves. We don’t know what we don’t know. If I had known myself better when I was younger because I’d started my personal development journey earlier, I would have responded differently in certain situations.

I have learned that our inner world, our thoughts, our beliefs and how we talk to ourselves greatly affects our external experience of life. When we are happy and full of joy, life feels full of hope and opportunity. When we are down and struggling, the world outside feels bleaker, less kind and more challenging.

Whilst we cannot escape the human condition, we can learn to become the observer of the mind rather than be consumed by the mind. In any given moment we may experience our emotions blind, because we are too deeply in them. With a little distance from a situation, we can regulate and accept that we are simply experiencing our internal weather system.

We can choose to stay trapped in the storm, or take action with faith that the clouds will eventually pass.

3. Learning the art of good communication is essential for creating harmonious relationships in life. During the last decade, I have become increasingly aware of how much power our words have and how much how we communicate with others matters.

I have learned to work hard at seeing things from the other person’s point of view, even if I struggle too in the moment, but do so retrospectively.  I may not always agree, but allowing space to see things from another’s perspective has largely made me more understanding and empathetic as a person.

This doesn’t mean I tolerate bad behaviour or stay in unhealthy relationships by making excuses for people. However, this has helped me in my role as a mum to my children and in my personal and working relationships.

I also strive to be a good listener. I don’t always get it right but I have become more self aware in my forties. So I work on active listening to truly absorb what someone’s saying rather than half listening because I’m waiting to respond. This can actually be hard sometimes but I’m becoming increasingly conscious of controlling my urge to interrupt or argue or take things off course with questions that don’t always serve the conversation.

Working on how we communicate with others is a life skill we all need. Because with effective communication, progress is made, stronger relationships are built and people are attracted to who you are because when they are with you, they feel seen and heard.

4. Being courageous beats being comfortable. I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times in my 40s. Whether that be standing on a stage delivering a masterclass to other photographers, or being flown across the world to be a speaker at one of the world’s biggest photography conventions. Each experience took an act of courage and self belief.

Having the courage to leave the next serious relationship after my marriage, despite the fact I had a comfortable life, was not an easy choice. However, I have realised that being controlled by fear is far worse than stepping into the unknown. This is because it keeps us small and yet also creates resistance within us because ultimately we know what we want but we’re too busy overthinking it and getting in our own way to take the step forward.

Think of how many times in your life, you’ve been ‘pushed’ outside of your comfort zone rather than volunteering to do so. If you are reading this now, the likelihood is you got through it. You found a way. You made it work. It may have been hard. It may have challenged you in a way that you’ve never been challenged before, but you did it. Failing is learning. Fail forward, be courageous and open your mind to all the possibilities that await you by taking bold, intentional action.

5. All we have is now, so make it count. I think it’s safe to say that many of us have or continue to spend our lives yo-yoing between our past and our future in our minds. We may reflect on what we could have done differently or feel regret for past actions. Maybe we are anxious about the future and what it holds, or conversely, maybe we are full of excitement for our future and are very forward focussed.

Having plans for our future is important but what I’ve realised is that plans are simply a desire, a vision in our mind. A destination that is yet to exist or actually may never exist. Having things mapped out in our mind of what we want our future to look like, is based on who we are today and all the variables that exist in our lives in this present moment.

However, things can change. Life can throw us curve balls, new opportunities may arise that we didn’t see coming. Something or someone influences us, that makes us change direction. We may put obstacles in our mind of why things won’t work, when if we just let things unfold it would work itself out.

This realisation about life has helped centre me and ground me in today, beyond that, it has helped ground me in each moment. Because even today has a future and within that day a multitude of things can unfold that we weren’t expecting that can trigger a number of different reactions.

Whilst I dream of all the things I’m looking forward to in what I hope will be many tomorrow’s to come, I’m going to embrace every today with gratitude even if it’s hard. I’m going to take daily action towards what I’m building and treat each day like a step forward in the journey of life.

As I reach my fifth decade, I want to say how excited I am by life, how I feel like I’m just getting started. I still feel young and full of adventure. I’m redefining what 50 means to me. I’m in a great place in my life surrounded by people I love, a career I’m passionate about and a future I’m looking forward to.

I switched my mindset from one of fear of turning this age to one of optimism, excitement and I’m darn well going to own it and wear it with honour because getting this far feels like an achievement in itself….

So here’s saying goodbye 40s. You taught me well. Hello 50s, really nice to meet you. 🙂

Shoot Location: Costa Grand Resort, Santorini

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